It’s the film literally no one wants, but you’re getting it anyway.
Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
He’s a grizzled veteran British cop working one last case. She’s exactly the same — but French. They both have strong views. Some of them not entirely fashionable, though they have become more so of late. But can they succeed in the face of scandal … after scandal?
Coming soon to a theater near you: “Hard Borders,” starring Robert Downey Jr. as Nigel Farage and Sydney Sweeney as Marine Le Pen.
The script (written by yours truly, under the pen name P.D. Allison) is loosely based on the events of this past week and is set in a dystopian hellscape both leads are desperate to destroy — it’s called Brussels.
Le Pen and Farage are set to retire if only they can track down the mysterious crypto billionaire Chad Coinman (played by Donald Trump), who has destroyed the international world order. In the first draft, they found him and had him arrested, but to inject a bit of reality into the script, they now join the Coinman empire and do the billionaire’s bidding while he’s off playing golf and interfering in the World Cup.
Before they can get to Coinman, though, our heroes (!) must face their own demons. Le Pen is frustrated because she has to wear an ankle monitor, and to make sure she doesn’t get into any trouble, she must travel everywhere with her young assistant, Jordan Bardella (played by Timothée Chalamet), who has his own designs on power.
Farage is even less happy. Furious at his working conditions after being repeatedly asked where he gets his money from and why he hates the dinghy industry, he hands in his resignation from the force and says he will immediately apply for the same job, hoping it results in a mass outpouring of support. It doesn’t. Everyone thinks he is a massive whiner, and now he might be replaced on the force by Count Binface (played by Lord Buckethead).
There are side characters too. Senior politicians Ursula von der Leyen and António Costa (played by Margot Robbie and Pedro Pascal, respectively) have recently come into possession of a cache of weapons and are determined to protect Brussels at all costs.
Plus, Farage has to try and defeat homegrown enemies Andy Burnham (played by Liam Gallagher) and Keir Starmer (played by a potted plant), while Le Pen must deal with French President Emmanuel Macron (played by Emmanuel Macron. He insisted).
Le Pen and Farage will be back on your screens in 2027 with “Hard Borders 2: It’s Not So Easy When You Are No Longer On The Outside Throwing Stones But Actually Have To Govern, Is It?”
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Last time, we gave you this photo:
Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze.
“The spirit world tells me the red card will be withdrawn. I’m just the messenger.”
by James Taylor